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Supermodels can’t really fly

While flipping through my favourite fashion magazine I began to notice some weird trends:

1. Someone shot all the supermodels with a Taser gun and knocked them out!

2. Women who model purses never look inside them

3. Models have horrible posture

4. Madonna has bad cramps

5. Why do women have to be naked to sell jewellery?

6. Fashion has just gotten silly.

Like, I am an 80’s girl. I grew up with supermodels who were beautiful… Christy Brinkley, Cindy Crawford, Elle Macpherson. All stunning, and glowy and bright.

My latest issue of Vogue features models that look strung out, passed out and just out! Half the time I don’t know what they are selling.

There is an advertisement of a model laying across the bed. The ad is for a purse, but when was the last time you got in bed with your purse? I mean I love my purses as much as the next gal and I often dream of them when I am in bed but take one to bed. I don’t think so. It’s just not realistic. Why does she look passed out? I just want to shake her and say “Don’t fall asleep with that much makeup on you’ll get zits.” Why don’t models ever look in the purse? If you’re going to sell me a purse show me how much junk it can hold. I want to see a model looking through the purse with her iPhone in her mouth, her makeup bag under her arm, her wallet in one hand while she is looking for her keys with the other but pulls out the TV remote instead. Now I would buy that purse!

Then there is the Madonna Versace ads. Now like I said, I am an 80’s girl and I loved Madonna all through the whole crucifix phase, the wearing her bras on the outside, the freedom of expression but there’s something off about these pictures.

Is the purse too heavy? Is her back out from dancing? Is she taking a quick fart break in between photos? Is it period cramps? Is she tired? What’s up? I don’t get it. If I was wearing a Versace dress and carrying a Versace purse I would be standing proud with that thing slung over my shoulder like a boss. But not a Hugo Boss.

What was going through the photographer’s head? “Madonna, bend over like you’re trying to fart through two pairs of Spanx and we will put a concrete block in the purse so your arms will look even more toned when you try to pick it up. Now work it Material Girl. Work that gas out.”

I think the look on Madonna’s face says it all. “I’ll crack your head with the cheeks of my ass it you say that one more time bitch.” I think Madonna would say that. I would if I had her arms. I love Madonna.

Then there’s the posture thing. When did slouching become a model pose?

The model on another page looks scary thin. Which is probably why it looks like she can barely hold the purse but her back is so rounded she looks like she should be in a brace.

I can hear the Nuns at Our Lady of Mercy School in my head saying “You’re going to end up looking like the Hunchback of Notre Dame if you don’t straighten up.” Then I would snap to attention and straighten my spine.

I guess this model wasn’t raised Catholic.

It took me a while to figure out the models on another page were selling shoes and accessories.

I just don’t know why they have to be naked to do it. Wouldn’t the jewellery look better with clothes?

When I buy jewellery I like to see how it looks with what I am wearing or plan on wearing. Maybe I am doing it wrong.

The next time I am in a jewellery store I am going to take my top off and try on a necklace then ask the salesperson how I look. If they say “Stunning! Model like!” Then I am going to buy it. If they call the cops they won’t make a sale from me. I’ll let you know if it works.

I noticed a dress advertised as Haute Couture. Maybe I am missing something. Maybe art is in the eye of the beholder but to me the model looks like she ran through a wall, made a dress from the broken pieces, and may have hurt herself badly because she is obviously bleeding to death.

Where would you wear this? I imagine myself walking into a huge ballroom and a waiter coming over with soda water and a napkin to help take the bloodstain out of my dress. Or the police showing up questioning me about where my husband is. Or my Mother coming back from the dead to ask “You’re not really going to wear that are you?”

Am I missing something? This dress is just plain silly to me. Is it a case of the Emperor’s New Clothes?

I know the 80’s had its faults but it also had the glamour. You just don’t see glamour in fashion anymore. I think the grunge years did it in and it just never recovered.

Having said that, I won’t be cancelling my subscription to Vogue anytime soon either. I’ve loved that magazine all through years. I even turned a blind eye when they put a Kardashian on the cover.

Maybe I have fallen out of fashion’s target market.

Maybe my Carrie Bradshaw days ended with the TV series.

Maybe I am too old to understand it anymore. Maybe Madonna is slouched over because the weight of being a fashion icon is too much for her to carry?

I am going to have to sleep on it. I am going to take my favourite purse to bed with me tonight and see if I am missing something, and my black stilettos.

No, maybe not the stilettos, that would only get hubby excited… but it would give me more time to think about my purse collection.

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