Bringing sexy back with lingerie

I love my comfy nightdress. It’s made from soft T-shirt material and has a round neck, so when I am eating chips in bed the crumbs never fall between my cleavage but bounce on the material and fall to the floor. That’s important in a night dress.

One night hubby made fun of my comfy nighty. I was a little put out by it really. He called it “A nightdress”, “unsexy” and “old.” I inform him, “This is sexy lingerie.”

“A far cry from lingerie” he says.

I was insulted. I thought men liked it when women wore T-shirts to bed. Then I had to think... when did I buy this nightdress? It was about five years ago at a sale in the Gap at an outlet mall. Ok, maybe he was right. My favourite old nighty had to go.

The next day I went to Walmart and bought five new nightdresses. All very sexy lingerie or so I thought. I was pleased with myself and my selection. That night I wore the first one, a little coral number with lace around the bottom. I walked into the bedroom, hand on my hip and said “I bought lingerie. What do you think of this one?”

“That’s not lingerie,” he informs me. “That’s a nightdress.”

“No, it’s not. It’s lingerie. Look at the lace on the boobs and its coral! Coral is sexy!”

“It’s nice but it’s not lingerie and coral is not sexy.”

“I bought five of these at Walmart today! All in different colours. Maybe the sky blue one is better.”

“There’s the problem. Lingerie doesn’t come from Walmart” he tells me.

Well I was disgusted. When did coral stop being sexy? What about the lace covering my boobs? My God have I forgotten what sexy is? So right there and then I decided to make it my mission to bring sexy back.

The next day I went to a Lingerie store. I took my time and checked out every rack. A young sales girl asked me if I needed any help. “Yes” I said, “I am on a mission to bring sexy back.”

She looked at me with this weird “You’re as old as my Mother” look and said “Anything in particular?”

“Yes. Lingerie.”

“Oh” she says,” obviously thinking I was some kind of cougar on the prowl “This way.” She led me to the back of the store where there where two racks of see-through, lacy, sparkly things on display. She pushes the hangers to one side and slides out a little silver, metallic number. “How about this one? This would look good on you” she lied.

It was a shiny chainmail bikini. The type of chainmail that knights in armour wear. Except no knight wore a chainmail bikini like this. Unless he was with the Knights Village People. The bra part was made with two metal triangles and thin cubic zirconia straps that clasped in the back. The bottom was another metal triangle with a cubic zirconia G-string. I had to stare at it for a long time before my brain was able to even register what it was.

“Would you like to try it on?” she asks. My first thought was how many women have tried it on already? I don’t see a protective panty liner on that cubic zirconia G-string. I had wished I had kept a tin of Lysol Spray in my purse like my Mother did. I took it from her waiting hand and it was surprisingly heavy. I trotted off into the change room.

I tried it on and stood back from the mirror. My first thought was “Sure I would freeze in this during the night. What if the window gets left open and the metal got cold? Hubby’s tongue would get stuck to it. We’d have to call the fire department to rescue him.” And where would the chip crumbs go? I’d be kicked out of bed for eating chips!

Then I pictured my teenage daughter waking in the middle of the night calling out “Mom, Mom, I am sick!”

I would run to her room, grab the garbage bucket and put it up to her face to catch the vomit before it hit the mattress. Then she would look up and see the metal bikini and think she was hallucinating only to realize that she wasn’t in the middle of some sick nightmare but her Mother really was standing in her room wearing a metal bikini made of triangles with cubic zirconias keeping it all together. The counselling would cost me thousands.

That’s not the weirdest thought that came into my head though. What if one of those cubic zirconias came loose and worked its way up through me? I could end up in the doctor’s office with my feet in stirrups and just before she does the pelvic exam I would have to confess “You may find a cubic zirconia in there... Just saying.”

It started to itch and I had to take it off. I couldn’t sleep in that. It’s too itchy. I put it back on the hanger and passed it back to the saleslady. “How was it?” she asked with a smile. “Not for me I tell her” waiting to see if she was going to spray the G-string part with sanitizer or Febreze or something else. She didn’t. “I think I’ll keep looking.”

I went down to Sears and found beautiful lingerie. It was made from soft T-shirt material, cozy and warm. It had “Sexy” written on the front of it. I figure if you can’t trust Sears who can you trust?

I bought my new “Sexy” lingerie and wore it that night. I pointed to my boobs “It says sexy” I tell hubby. “Kind of inappropriate don’t you think?” he asks.

“What?” What am I missing here I ask myself?

“Going around the house with “sexy” wrote on your boobs! We have teenagers you know?”

“But I thought you wanted sexy lingerie?” I am totally bewildered.

“I never said I wanted sexy lingerie. You told me your old nightdress was lingerie and I said it wasn’t. I wasn’t complaining. You finished that conversation in your head without me like you always do.”

I was trying to think back. Was it me or him? I can’t remember. Anyway, tomorrow I am bringing sexy back... right back to Sears and getting myself a proper nightdress. Do you need a receipt to bring sexy back? Because I don’t think I kept it. I may just have to donate “Sexy” to the Value Village.