Conversation With My Bladder in the Fitting Room

Why don’t ladies fitting rooms have a washroom in the area? Is it because they were designed by men who don’t have to deal with over active bladders? It’s a design flaw which I am sure was created to just aggravate women of a certain age.

Women need a washroom in the fitting room area! This should be a political slogan. I would vote for any politician who passes that law.

This is a typical conversation that I have in the fitting room with my bladder every time I try on a pair of jeans. Keep in mind, my part of the conversation is not in my head. It is said out loud. However, the bladder’s part is solely in my head.

I am in a fitting room to try on two pairs of jeans. Just as I lay my purse down and undo the button on my jeans, my bladder wakes up.

Are we going to pee?

No, we’re just trying on pants.

But when you undo your pants that means we’re going to pee.

No, we’re just trying out pants. Now shut up and go back to sleep.

Hang on, I think I’ve got a little dribble coming.

(Horrified). Do not dribble! You squeeze tightly! Do not let one drop fall! (I squeeze my butt cheeks so tight; I could crush a walnut).

But you undid your pants! That means we must pee.

I have to try these pants on. Be good. I haven’t even had a sip of liquid today. There should be nothing in my bladder. You should be empty. I am completely dehydrated.

What can I say, I’m part camel. I store fluids just for times like this. By the way, I don’t think the pants fit. You’re squeezing me too tight. That’s not a good idea. You know we have to pee.

I have to try on the other pair. Stop saying the word pee. Now that’s all I can think about.

Do you know what my favourite line from a nursery rhyme is?

No, I don’t!

It’s from the Three Little Pigs when they go pee, pee, pee all the way to the market.

It’s wee, wee, wee.

Same thing.

Uh-oh, why did I try on skinny jeans. (I finally pull them off along with my socks.) Hang on for just a few more minutes. I want to try on the other pair.

That’s not a good idea. I don’t think I’m gonna make it.

Just give me five more minutes and I’ll run to the bathroom.

Can we just pee on the floor? If we were out hiking, you’d just run behind a tree and pee on the floor of the forest.

No! We cannot pee on the floor. Just keep it together. Squeeze!

Do you have a bottle in your purse?

No, I don’t have a bottle in my purse! That’s ridiculous. And besides, you know our aim is not that great.

You should keep it a Ziploc bag in your purse for emergencies.

I would never do something that ridiculous.

Oh yeah remember that time we were on a plane, and you had to use the bathroom. You wouldn’t sit on the toilet seat because it was disgusting so you squat over it. Then, the plane hit turbulence. And it literally scared the piss out of you, and you sprayed the room down.

Don’t make me laugh and to be fair the room was already sprayed down.

(I try on the next pair jeans and snap the button closed.) Yes, they fit!

These jeans are kind of stiff and they are squeezing me. I told you this wasn’t a good idea. I’m going to have to let go of an ounce or two.

No, no, no! (I rip the jeans off and scramble to get my pants back on.) Squeeze a little harder. (Remember I am talking out loud in a ladies fitting room.) You can do this.

Where is the bathroom?

It’s on the other side of the store.

Why would they put the bathroom on the other side of the store! Why isn’t it next to the fitting rooms?

I think it’s designed that way just to irritate women. If women designed stores there would be bathrooms in the fitting room.

Are your jeans done up yet?

Yes, I’m just getting my coat on. Give me a second.

I can feel you walking. Squeeze tighter. I don’t think we’re going to make it.

I’m going as fast as I can. I can.

Squeeze you’re not squeezing enough.

We’re almost there! Wait, I can feel a dribble, was that you?

I know you’re wearing a poise pad. I had to let a little out.

Wait! I’m opening the door right now. Just let me pull down my pants.

Sorry! My bad. I couldn’t wait any longer.

Oops! You couldn’t wait for me to pull my pants down!

I told you; I have a problem and I can’t hold my pee for long. Maybe you shouldn’t try on pants in public anymore!

This is why I don’t have any jeans to fit me! Because you won’t let me try them on!

You got enough jeans anyway you don’t need more.

I got to see a doctor. There must be some kind of a pill or surgery I can do to fix you.

It’s not my fault. I’m 59 years old! Things are loosening up. I don’t have the same hold that I used to. Having kids dancing on me for nine months didn’t help either.

I’m still gonna try to do something to get you fixed. It can’t be like this every time I want to try out pants.

It’s not my fault. I’m old. Maybe I do need a little tightening.

Or maybe stores will finally realize that there should be a washroom in the ladies fitting rooms and then they wouldn’t have to clean the floor in the main washroom so often.

Oh, go piss yourself.