Don’t talk to your teenaged daughter like I do. It doesn’t work!

I can’t remember the last time my teenaged daughter asked for advice.

Advice on anything! I think I’ve been replaced by Google.

I think back on all the good advice my Mother shared with me and now I have a dory load of good advice to share.

Like, don’t sit on the seat in a public washroom and if you do have to sit, put toilet paper down first. Then hold the fork of your underwear out with one hand while you’re using it so your underwear don’t touch the toilet.

This info has to be shared.

Not everyone knows to hold the fork of their underwear away from the bowl!

So I Googled “How to talk to your teenage daughter” and came up with some great tips.

Like:

Start Talking to Your Daughter Early: Great tip. I sat on her bed at 6:30 AM and started telling her about my day ahead. She wasn’t open to it at all. She literally kicked me off the bed and threw me out of her room and I am not that light so it was a huge chore for her to get me off the floor. Those dance lessons are really paying off.

Be Open When You Talk with Your Daughter: I started with “I was 21 the first time I had sex. How old were you?” She ran away from me so fast the salesgirl at the store we were in thought she was a shoplifter and called security to chase her. They found her in the parking lot hiding behind a van but I told them she was just trying to get away from me.

Find the Balance Between Friend and Mother: I thought this one was going to be easy. I showed up at her school dance in my Tina Turner black leather mini skirt and matching boob-tube. Snuck up behind her and said “Let’s ask those two cuties over there to dance.” She called Child Protective Services on herself and asked if any foster homes were available.

Be Detailed in Talks with Your Daughter: So I started the conversation with “We haven’t discussed yeast infections, yet have we?” I followed it up with close up, detailed pictures that we could discuss but she spent so much time with her head in the toilet throwing up I gave up on the conversation.

Use Everyday Media to Trigger Conversations with Your Daughter: I sincerely asked, “Do you think Kim’s ass really broke the internet? Because I think those screaming goats did a better job.” Now she has installed a lock on the inside of her bedroom door and a cat door so her father can slide food in.

In the end, I don’t think Mothers or daughters should trust Google to help them communicate or for advice.

Finally God intercepted. She yelled out “Mom, I think I have a fever.” I ran upstairs, into the bathroom, grabbed the thermometer (not the rectal one), Vicks Vapour Rup, Tylenol Cold and the Hall’s cough drops.

She allowed me to take care of her for a whole 20 minutes before kicking me out of the room. I was in heaven.

I was needed.

Google may be good but it can’t comfort a sick child… or use a rectal thermometer with love.