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Madonna's Rebel Heart Tour- and why I am never eating seafood tacos again

While Madonna and her flying nuns were pole dancing on Crucifix stripper poles, I was throwing up on a security guard in the lobby of the Air Canada Centre swearing to the EMS workers that I was not drunk!

I should start this story from the beginning….

Months and months ago I sat at my computer continuously typing my seat preference into the Air Canada Centre’s ticket screen to get Madonna tickets… the Holy Grail of all concert tickets. Her Rebel Heart Tour was crossing Canada and I wasn’t going to miss it. I sat there for about 20 minutes pressing the button like I was playing a Swinging Bell machine. Then, finally, Jackpot! Two tickets to see Madonna live in concert in Toronto on October 05th!

We talked about it for months. Counting down the weeks, then days, then hours till we were on a plane and on our way. The weekend was going to be perfect. We spent our first day at the outlet mall where I bought the most beautiful Michael Kors purse. Then we went to supper at the CN Tower 360 Restaurant. The next day we drove around Toronto anxiously waiting for 8 o’clock to go to the Air Canada Centre to see the Queen of Pop.

Around 6 o’clock we went to supper at a pub near the Air Canada Centre. I was too excited to eat so I just had a salad and Shrimp tacos. At 7:00 pm we got in the lineup waiting for the doors to open with all the other Material Girl fans and a homeless cat.

Seriously, the cat was homeless. It was sat on a pole with a sign that said he couldn’t make his rent. I have a picture and I’ll put it with this chapter.

Finally the doors opened and after buying over $100 in merchandise to shut me up, hubby and I went to our excellent seats!

Turns out Madonna is not a fan of being on time and didn’t start until 9:45. Luckily, there were enough drag queens and characters in the audience to keep me occupied. The last time I saw that many sets of prayer beads in the same room, I was at Catholic school and they certainly didn’t wear them with cone bras and lace tops. I was the only one in my row not wearing a sequins gown and I was most likely the only one born a girl.

Then the lights went down. The audience erupted. The drag queens cried and I was on my feet. The most elaborate army of Chinese warriors carrying large Crosses appeared on stage from thin air. A cage was lowered to the stage and “Like a Virgin” out she strutted…. Madonna in the flesh.

Everyone was in awe. The 14 year old me had wished I had also wore my cone bra and lace top. My stomach was flip flopping with excitement.

The show was nothing short of phenomenal. You’ll never see another show like it.

An hour into the show I realized my stomach was not flip flopping with excitement, it was just flip flopping and I had to get to a bathroom quick. I looked at hubby and said “I got to use the bathroom” and ran across four drag queens while Madonna sang “Like a Prayer.”

This is when the night got interesting.

By the time I got to the bathroom I was sweating profusely and blacking out. Against all my Mother’s warnings, I sat on a public toilet seat without wiping it down first and then lost about five pounds.

The sweat was burning my eyes and I was screaming in my head “Not now! Not now! I need to get back to Madonna!” I tried to stand up but my legs were like rubber. I texted hubby and said “Woman down in the bathroom come quickly!”

A few moments later I heard him calling out my name. I managed to get myself together and stagger out of the bathroom. I could tell from the look on his face that I didn’t look like the Material Girl I once was.

The colour was drained from my face. Even my lips were white. My hair was soaking wet and I was dragging my coat behind me.

“Are you alright? You look like hell!” He grabbed me by the waist and dragged me to a side door. “You need some air.” A security guard opened the door and put a chair outside so I could sit down.

“I think I just got overcome with heat. I am alright now.” I told hubby and the security guard. I stood to walk back into the arena then a sudden urge to die came over me and I ran back to the door but the security guard was not as quick on his feet as hubby, who had moved out of the way, and while the Material Girl sang “Material Girl” I threw up all over my new fake snakeskin cowboy boots and the security guard.

I kept apologizing in between heaves and he kept saying it was ok but I knew he secretly hated me.

EMS responders showed up and took my vitals while asking me, then hubby, then me, then hubby, again and again how much I had to drink and what drugs I had been taking.

“Smell the vomit!” I told him. “I didn’t have anything but fish tacos!” But I knew from the look on their faces they didn’t believe me.

If I had to know I was going to throw up on a security guard and pass out at a Madonna concert I would have drank a bottle of Vodka just to look cooler than I did at that moment, standing in a pile of puked up fish tacos!

After sizing up the mess and realizing I was completely sober they cleaned me up and gave me some water. “More than likely food poisoning” one EMS said. I was determined to see the end of the concert so hubby tried to get me back to our seats. I got to the top of the stairs and knew if I threw up on the drag queens they would scratch my eyes out and I was in no shape to take on a queen in 5 inch heels and a micro mini. So hubby dragged me back to the hotel room.

While I got cleaned up for bed hubby went to get me some water. By the time he got back I was passed out, naked on the bathroom floor with my arms around the toilet and I woke up to him putting cold cloths on my forehead.

“Don’t move me, don’t move me” I protested, “I have to stay here tonight.”

Hubby sat on the edge of the bed waiting and trying to figure out what to do next, while I lay on the floor hugging the toilet. Then I remembered something….

“Remember the romantic evening we had planned?” I asked him.

“You smell like puke. I think that ship has sailed” He smiled back.

“Well. Actually the look on your face right now looks strangely familiar and I just remembered where I’ve seen it before…. Our first date!”

“Really?” he raised an eyebrow.

“Our first date was a concert at the university. I was hosting the concert and I was extremely nervous about being on a first date and bringing a cop, who actually looked like a cop, to the Student Center. So I drank too much to make myself look cooler. Then we went back to your place and just when you were about to kiss me I threw up and you spent the night holding my hair out of the toilet and putting cold cloths on my forehead!”

I was surprised at the accuracy of my memory at that moment.

“So this is romantic! It’s a total recreation of our first date. Except I am throwing up fish tacos instead of beer and my hair is short so you don’t have to hold it out of the toilet.”

“It was red” he answered dully

“What was red?”

“What you were throwing up on our first date. You were drinking coolers…. And they didn’t make you any cooler.”

“Oh, I can’t believe you remembered, that’s so sweet!”

He picks my limp body off the floor, helps me get into bed and wipes the dried puke off my face. Then in a final act of true love, he moved my new Michael Kors purse to the other side of the room.

“Where are you going with that?” I asked.

“Moving it so you don’t throw up in it.”

“My God that’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for me.” I choked back a tear, then realize it was actually more fish tacos coming up and ran for the toilet.

So we may have missed the end of the Madonna Rebel Heart concert but my rebel heart was very content laying on the floor of a hotel bathroom watching hubby watch Sports desk while I sang “Crazy for You” in between heaves of fish tacos.

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