Be careful of those monkey visits while on cruises

I love cruises. It’s such an easy way to travel and relax. Your every whim is catered to from delicious meals to tropical drinks and 24 hour a day fun. You can’t have a bad time on a cruise unless you’re just a miserable person who finds fault with everything. In that case, you should just stay home and stay away from me.

It’s so exciting to stop in different countries and spend the day experiencing their culture and doing excursions to see what life is really like for the locals. Or just lay on a beach, drink bear and make fun of people who wear thongs. We took a seven-day cruise to the Western Caribbean and one of the countries we stopped in was Mahogany Bay, Honduras.

We took the opportunity to tour this beautiful Island and visit a monkey sanctuary. We were told in this sanctuary you don’t have to stand outside a fence and look at the monkeys like in a zoo, you could go inside this huge cage where monkeys roamed free and interact with them.

Well, who wouldn’t want to interact with monkeys? Right?

What they don’t tell you in the brochure is these monkeys are trained jewel thieves and members of a notorious gang. I was traveling with hubby and our two teenaged kids at the time. My son decided to stay outside the cage because basically it was dirty and smelled like these animals couldn’t use a toilet properly. So much for animals who have a thumb like us. Monkeys go when mother nature calls and sometimes that’s when they are in a tree above your head. It’s not like a bird dropping either. It’s more like some perverted old man giving you a golden shower without your consent.

Myself, hubby and our daughter along with other tourists went inside the cage. We were surprised and delighted to see that the monkeys immediately started interacting with us by jumping on our shoulders, putting their arms around our necks or jumping into our arms for what we thought was a cuddle.

Now the first thing you need to know about monkeys is they have no acceptable social boundaries. The first thing you need to know about me is I don’t like being groped because I will punch you in the face if you grab my breast. Their leathery, hairy human like hands were all over me and it felt like I was at happy hour on George Street. These monkeys are seriously going down your top and in your pockets at the same time.

It became too overwhelming for my daughter and hubby so they got out of the cage and went for a walk around the sanctuary while I stayed in the cage determined to get a selfie these furry primates. I am willing to suffer for my art… or a great selfie.

It was as if the monkeys knew my family was out of site. Suddenly, they began to pounce! Then I realized what they were doing was robbing me! I was wearing a backpack and one monkey climbed on top of it. Another tourist told me the monkey was unzipping the backpack. Then we all realized they were stealing things from the pockets and purses of everyone in the cage. He was joined by a second monkey and they were putting their hands in the backpack taking things like my sunglasses and lip balm then scooting to the top of the cage and hiding the items in the trees. While I was trying to get these monkeys off my back another one was hanging on to my belt and putting his hands in the front pocket of my shorts. The pockets were empty but I got the feeling that this little Trump supporting monkey wasn’t looking for coins. He was getting his kicks.

Other tourists clued in and realized we weren’t visiting monkeys as much as we were being mugged by monkeys! Our tour guides were no where to be seen, on purpose I would imagine. We were all laughing in the confusion of the moment until it hit me that if they took my passport or wallet I would have to explain to authorities that I had become the victim of a Honduras monkey gang and would end up in some immigrant jail cell while the head monkey used my MasterCard to buy bananas and Michael Jackson paraphernalia on eBay.

A nice fellow tourist was able to scare the monkeys of my backpack but the little Trump monkey was holding on to my belt for dear life and determined to get to know me better. I decided then and there that I was not going die in a caged being raped to death by monkeys. I did lean off and punch this monkey in the face.

It was like the whole tour group decided at once to leave the cage and we all ran towards to door. Keep in mind that there were children of all ages, seniors as well as able bodied people. Now I know, that a group should only move as fast as the slowest person but I was wearing shorts and this greasy monkey was grinning his big yellow teeth at me while acting like an animal. I ran like a little bitch through the group. There was a local guarding the door to the cage and helped pull Trump off me. He says, “You’ve met Frisky.” To which I responded, “Yes we’re quite intimate now.”

Outside we assessed the damage. Several people had lost sunglasses, one guy lost his house keys, lots of change had been stolen from pockets and my innocence was gone.

The whole experience hasn’t changed my mind about taking cruises. I have done several since then. Except now I don’t get into a fight cage with monkeys. If you do happen to take a cruise in the Western Caribbean and land in Honduras. I do recommend the monkey sanctuary but bring some mace. Oh, and tell Trump I said hello.